Inner Children 3/24/19

When I watch individual adult behavior what I see is a whole family of children led and managed by the eldest. The inner children influence the overall behavior of the individual and at times one or more control that behavior.

The behavior of inner children is usually not recognized because it is so common place. In addition, an inner five year old does not behave very much like a chronological five year old. A chronological five year old has one year to explore its capabilities and limits. It has one year to develop the power of those capabilities within those limits.

On the other hand, as I write this, my inner five year old has had seventy years to prefect his abilities. He has had seventy years to learn how to influence his older and younger inner siblings. He still has the same capabilities and limits of a chronological five year old but he is so much better at it!

Inner children can take over an adult's behavior in specific situations. How old is the behavior that has to eat dessert? How old is the behavior that has to have three deserts, on occasion? Is that person cranky or is their fourteen year old inner child usually in charge? Is that person pouting or has their inner four year old taken over? Is that person lying to get out of trouble behaving like an adult or or has their inner eight year old taken over? Is that person who lost their temper an adult or is their inner three year old having a tantrum?

Have your ever had an argument with someone and decided to drop it for now only to bring it up again when they are in a more cooperative "state of mind?" What exactly are "states of mind." What is it that changes when you "change your mind?" What is it that changes when you "change the way you feel about something?" What is it that changes with your perspective?

Inner child behavior is rarely recognized because it happens all the time. It is not noticed until the behavior varies from our expectations. "What is wrong with them? Why can't they behave? Why do they act so irresponsibly?"

A child's behavior is the result of genetic instincts they are born with combined with what they have learned from experience. Inner children preserve those behaviors and adjust them with additional experience.

Chronological children live in a world of emotions until their cognitive abilities begin to develop around the age of eleven. Who do you think are in charge of our emotional responses? Our inner children under the age of twelve. Why is someone being "emotional" a problem? Because inner children are generally not capable of performing adult tasks effectively.

If childhood experiences are fairly consistent and conform to social expectations, a family of inner children can be cooperative and consistent. If this was not the case, inner children can be mutually conflicted and their distinct behaviors can contrast strongly with social expectations.

In this context, what is an adult? Well, they can't be any more mature than the eldest inner child. They can be trained to act like an adult but what is an adult? If an adult is not a child, then an adult would make rational decisions, act responsibly, cooperate with and respect others. After spending a life time inventing rational products that everyone needs and nobody wants, it is pretty obvious to me that people do not make rational decisions. They are pretty good at rationalizing decisions afterward but the motivation is rarely rational. As the old saying goes "it's the sizzle that sells the steak."

Given the opportunity we all tend to choose immediate gratification. Personal credit is a perfect example. Why wait to get something when you can use your credit card and get it now? When do we learn about deferred gratification? All through childhood if our parents value it.

In spite of social admonitions to "stop being childish" and "stop acting like a child" and "grow up" most inner child behavior is so common, it goes unnoticed. Nobody notices if your inner four year old opens your presents on Christmas morning. Nobody notices if your inner seventeen year old takes over after a few drinks. In contrast, one of my inner kids occasionally gets loose when I am playing golf and tries to hit the ball ("Let me do it!"). My playing companions often react to this with a startled "What was that?" at the usually spectacularly disastrous results.

So, take a look around you. Take a look at yourself. Ask yourself "How old was that" when you see a behavior. Inner kids can perform appropriately if their development was nurtured, and if their experience was consistent and conformed to social expectations. If their development was neglected or suppressed they will not be inclined to function smoothly with each other or other people. Their unconscious reactions are based on experiences significantly different from their peers. These behaviors stand out as abnormal or inappropriate. They are also guides to becoming aware of all our inner children.

I was sitting in my car at a cross walk one time when a group of developmentally disabled children wandered by in front of me. I first saw them as disabled but then I began to ignore their physical development and focused on their chronological development. They were transformed from being disabled to just being young kids in very big bodies [that is not a bad view of adolescence, either].

So, who is in charge, the "adult" or the inner children. In some people it seems to be their inner children all the time. If people are always hyper responsible it pretty much means their eldest inner child is fairly young and desperately conditioned to behave like an "adult." If a person can be responsible most of the time but still get a kick out of a water fight in the pool or watching the stars in awe, I'd say that person has a pretty healthy balance.

Inner kids will take over if they are scared and don't trust the older kids (or don't trust anybody). Even though they are not at all competent to deal with the situation they will try. This is where you get chaos instead of cooperation in groups and partnerships. This is where the odd comment "I am leaving until there are more adults present" makes perfect sense.

One of the problems with traumatized inner children is we continue to treat them with the same abuse our parents did because that is what we know. This continues to reinforce the trauma and to diminish any trust. When dealing with traumatized inner children, you have to expect them to surface full of fear and anger no matter how you approach them. Sometimes you are lucky and they will crawl into your lap so you can hold them. Sometimes they behave like an abused pet hiding under the bed, snapping and snarling at any attempt to approach them. Try to pet them and you may get bitten. Helping an abused adult, child or inner child heal takes time, tremendous patience and mature boundaries.

It is important to learn to recognize resistance from our inner children. If we ignore them and try to proceed, they are quite capable of sabotaging the project. Spilling, slipping, collisions and feeling ill are part of their repertoire. You know all those mistakes you usually attribute to fatigue? They might just be inner children fighting back. 

There is a lovely recipe that often gets around the gridlock without accidents. When you feel your enthusiasm for a project turning against you, take a few moments to talk to your inner child (or consortium of inner children). Compassionately acknowledge to them that you understand they do not want to do the project. Point out to them that they don't have to do it. They can step back and watch or even take a nap and let other inner children who want to help take over. Then ask yourself if there are any parts of you who would like to do the project with you. You may experience a sudden shift of energy and enthusiasm. It may last until you finish the project and it may not. If not, you can try to repeat the process but it gets harder the more times you have to do it.

Inner children are only a problem when they take over at inopportune times. They are a delight when you can feel their young joy and laughter. Learning to recognize that your inner children are declaring war on your domestic or business partners is a very good time to intervene and withdraw if nothing else. Like most children and conservatives, they may object and complain and get angry at being restricted but in the end they feel safer for it.